I don't know how many times I will end up apologizing for late posts or anything like that. Because really, I don't know where the days went. I was trying to write posts, but at the same time, I've been trying to do a blog for an assessment as well as keep up with everything else and stress has been getting me down.
That and I have a close friend that had a nervous breakdown, in front of me, just a few days ago. I was expecting to have to deal with some more of the depressive stuff from him because I haven't had to for a while, (and a lot of the time, he doesn't survive more than a few weeks without something worrisome happening to him.) It sounds terrible but it's sorta true. I can almost look at a calendar and go, 'Nearly a month since the last time, better get ready.'
But I jest. It's better then actually having to face the facts of what he did. We have been having a phone conversation, I had had a bad day and ended the call. After which my phone was put on silent and I went to bed. I didn't hear him text me, he assumed that I was angry with him or he had hurt me and decided to hurt himself instead. I don't see where the logic goes in with that statement, but I suppose I never have had the inclination to hurt myself or cut myself in for reasons of letting out pain/causing oneself pain, so I never probably will get it.
But yeah, from his shoulder to his wrist and across his palm as well, which was intresting to try and deal with, alongside his sister.
So yeah, I've been dealing with that recently. Trying to compartmentalize my life so his depression/hurt and darkness don't affect me. As well as dealing with the fact that, (as I have to keep telling myself) him hurting himself was not my fault. I'll say it again for impact. It was not may fault. Because the way he said it when he told me and his sister, sounded awfully like he was trying to blame me for it. So yeah. Compartmentalizing so I can still stay the relatively good for a depressive side of myself that has been coming up lately.
I feel it won't stay long though. I have another drama assessment coming up, alongside the added pressures of a short mockumentary to plan, film, edit and produce before September. It sounds like a hell of a long time, but it isn't. I have at least a post a day for the next week and a half as another assessment on feminism and the portrayal of girls in video games/how the gaming industry is prejudice against females. Add to that all my other exams coming up, an internship I have at the local art gallery as a youth media intern and applications and CV's to write and fill in, my stress levels are going to go through the roof in the next 2 months.
At least I'll have something to write about. That sounds bad. It sounds like I want to go dark so I have something to write about. Which I don't. But I do at the same time. Dammit. Sounds terrible.
Oh, and come August 16th, I'll have a poem to publish, or not. It's called Hidden and I wrote it for the National Poetry Competition here in NZ, but can't publish it anywhere else until I know the results. So yeah.... And I might have to hide another one or two of my poem posts while I enter them in a different competition to have them published in a book of budding young Kiwi authors. Who knows, I may be in with a chance, everybody says my work is good so yeah. :)
Until next time, I hope it's more to schedule than this was.
Just-another-less-then-normal-human-being
Samantha.
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