Breakdown

Before you say anything; I know it’s been a while. I know I’ve been slacking. However it is exam week and I think I am entitled to actually have some study time and then just plain forget and breakdown under stress.

Yeah that pretty much sums up what’s been going on right now. Exam week, barely any exams, a few assessments due in the next week and a half and still, it’s too much stress. Again, I’m surprised too. I was having fun, no stress, and then something, I still can’t figure out what, caused me to just lose it. In front of my partner. Great.

I suppose I should clarify something else. I don’t cry. I never cry. Especially not in front of people. The last time I really cried in front of somebody (excluding funerals) was in 2010. And it was shortly after that that my depression really started to kick in so….yeah. That tells you something about the way I deal with my depression and dark moods. I just turn off my emotions and go numb. Easier than dealing with it all. But last night I cried. Barely, but I cried, and we both knew I wanted to cry more, and whether I cried or not, it was out there, unspoken. I don’t cry in front of people. It’s a sign of weakness in my mind. But it also shows how broken I actually am. If I can keep my mask on and stay ‘happy’ I am alright.

Not a lot can be done to stop me feeling like that when I start, and what makes it even worse is I know my partner wants to protect me, and he would protect me from anything and everything. But how can you protect someone when the thing that is destroying them is themselves? How can you keep someone safe when the danger lies in their own head?

I don't want him to worry, but unfortunately, after last night, the likelihood of him not worrying is slim.

Feeling-more-worried-about-someone-who-isn't-me

Samantha.