Dealing With A Friends Breakdown

I don't know how many times I will end up apologizing for late posts or anything like that. Because really, I don't know where the days went. I was trying to write posts, but at the same time, I've been trying to do a blog for an assessment as well as keep up with everything else and stress has been getting me down.

That and I have a close friend that had a nervous breakdown, in front of me, just a few days ago. I was expecting to have to deal with some more of the depressive stuff from him because I haven't had to for a while, (and a lot of the time, he doesn't survive more than a few weeks without something worrisome happening to him.) It sounds terrible but it's sorta true. I can almost look at a calendar and go, 'Nearly a month since the last time, better get ready.'
But I jest. It's better then actually having to face the facts of what he did. We have been having a phone conversation, I had had a bad day and ended the call. After which my phone was put on silent and I went to bed. I didn't hear him text me, he assumed that I was angry with him or he had hurt me and decided to hurt himself instead. I don't see where the logic goes in with that statement, but I suppose I never have had the inclination to hurt myself or cut myself in for reasons of letting out pain/causing oneself pain, so I never probably will get it.
But yeah, from his shoulder to his wrist and across his palm as well, which was intresting to try and deal with, alongside his sister.

So yeah, I've been dealing with that recently. Trying to compartmentalize my life so his depression/hurt and darkness don't affect me. As well as dealing with the fact that, (as I have to keep telling myself) him hurting himself was not my fault. I'll say it again for impact. It was not may fault. Because the way he said it when he told me and his sister, sounded awfully like he was trying to blame me for it. So yeah. Compartmentalizing so I can still stay the relatively good for a depressive side of myself that has been coming up lately.

I feel it won't stay long though. I have another drama assessment coming up, alongside the added pressures of a short mockumentary to plan, film, edit and produce before September. It sounds like a hell of a long time, but it isn't. I have at least a post a day for the next week and a half as another assessment on feminism and the portrayal of girls in video games/how the gaming industry is prejudice against females. Add to that all my other exams coming up, an internship I have at the local art gallery as a youth media intern and applications and CV's to write and fill in, my stress levels are going to go through the roof in the next 2 months.
At least I'll have something to write about. That sounds bad. It sounds like I want to go dark so I have something to write about. Which I don't. But I do at the same time. Dammit. Sounds terrible.

Oh, and come August 16th, I'll have a poem to publish, or not. It's called Hidden and I wrote it for the National Poetry Competition here in NZ, but can't publish it anywhere else until I know the results. So yeah.... And I might have to hide another one or two of my poem posts while I enter them in a different competition to have them published in a book of budding young Kiwi authors. Who knows, I may be in with a chance, everybody says my work is good so yeah. :)

Until next time, I hope it's more to schedule than this was.

Just-another-less-then-normal-human-being
Samantha.

An Apology

First off, I owe you an apology. And I suppose I owe myself one as well. Instead of keeping to my schedule and posting as is my duty to myself and you guys; I gave up and let myself down.

The reason being this:
The past 2 to 2 1/2 weeks have been really good for me. I mean really good. Instead of going down, instead of being below the normal persons average, I have been at that average, and have been feeling like I'm going up, and nothing was changing that. It was amazing.
But then something, I'm still by sure what yet, I suspect it had something to do with the upbeat but late night phone call a few nights ago, and I went numb.
You know how I've been saying that I've been feeling again? So to speak at least? Well, that's gone now. I went down, hard, and without me even noticing. I hit rock bottom and went numb. And have stayed there ever since. So my happiness ended with my being a downer now.

So I owe you an apology for not posting but under the circumstances, I believe that I did the right thing, taking a few days for myself. By hopefully it'll be back to normal soon.

You have anything you want to talk to me or ask me about? Do so below.

Now-numb-human-being
Samantha

Quick update

Just another day, just anther stressed out day. Too much coursework, too much real work, too much of everything and too little relaxation time. Ball tomorrow.
Dressing up and dancing like a rave, two things I thought would never go together, but apparently they do.
Too much assessment work to be getting on with, but for my ball the theme is 'Once Upon A Time' as in fairytales, not the show, as such.
Think greek goddess, only not white. Ringlets and material roses the same colour in my hair. I may share pictures. Maybe not.  :)

Anyway, I have much to do.

Busy-and-tired-human-being
Samantha

Introspective Quote

Dealing with this isn't too bad, really. It's just more of a constant walking on a treadmill to stay level sort of metaphor type thing. It's usually not too hard to appear normal, and normality is what we all strive for. Although there is a difference between appearing normal and being normal. We have to try.

There's only one quote today, but it's a quote where every single word seems to resonate with me. Deep within me. And that happens occasionally, where something doesn't just click with me and I feel like it understands me, but where I feel like it knows every single thing of what I am feeling or have felt, or ever will feel, and it's describing it back to me in glorious technicolor surround sound images. Anyway here it is. Another quote by Haruki Murakami. This authors writing seems to be something that I understand, and what seems to understand me in a way deeper than words on a page. It's strange, but works.

Haruki Murakami

All I ask is think about that one person who always seems shrouded in secrecy, help those whom you can, and be there for those who you care about, even if all they want to do is sit in the corner and not say a word. Companionship is often the best way to stop someone falling into darkness. Saying that, alone time is good too.

"When your friend is going through hell, sometimes the best thing to do is to take a seat and ride through it with them."

Deeply-introspective-human-being
Samantha

Breakdown

Before you say anything; I know it’s been a while. I know I’ve been slacking. However it is exam week and I think I am entitled to actually have some study time and then just plain forget and breakdown under stress.

Yeah that pretty much sums up what’s been going on right now. Exam week, barely any exams, a few assessments due in the next week and a half and still, it’s too much stress. Again, I’m surprised too. I was having fun, no stress, and then something, I still can’t figure out what, caused me to just lose it. In front of my partner. Great.

I suppose I should clarify something else. I don’t cry. I never cry. Especially not in front of people. The last time I really cried in front of somebody (excluding funerals) was in 2010. And it was shortly after that that my depression really started to kick in so….yeah. That tells you something about the way I deal with my depression and dark moods. I just turn off my emotions and go numb. Easier than dealing with it all. But last night I cried. Barely, but I cried, and we both knew I wanted to cry more, and whether I cried or not, it was out there, unspoken. I don’t cry in front of people. It’s a sign of weakness in my mind. But it also shows how broken I actually am. If I can keep my mask on and stay ‘happy’ I am alright.

Not a lot can be done to stop me feeling like that when I start, and what makes it even worse is I know my partner wants to protect me, and he would protect me from anything and everything. But how can you protect someone when the thing that is destroying them is themselves? How can you keep someone safe when the danger lies in their own head?

I don't want him to worry, but unfortunately, after last night, the likelihood of him not worrying is slim.

Feeling-more-worried-about-someone-who-isn't-me

Samantha.

What I Feel - Writing #3

I really wasn't in the mood to write today, so I grabbed a bit of writing out of my archives for you guys to read. Hope it isn't too badly written, it was written a while ago.
It's called 'What I Feel' but I suppose you got that already from the title of the post.
Enjoy....I guess.

What I Feel

I hide,
Behind a mask that rarely slips.
I hide,
Behind deceit and lies.

I escape,
Into a world where I am accepted.
I escape,
Into a place where I don't care.

I fade,
Into the crowds.
I fade,
Into the void that is my home.

I wake up,
And put on a false smile every morning.
I wake up,
And install a new personality before I walk out the door.

I feel,
Nothing anymore.
I feel,
Empty and broken inside.

I hurt,
Until I can't hurt anymore.
I hurt,
Until the hurt becomes too much.

I lie,
Until my life is in tatters.
I lie,
Until my life and everything in it shatters.

Then, and only then,
Do I die inside.

Just-another-bland-human-being
Samantha