I don't know what it is recently, whether it be my admitting I need help and seeing a councillor for the first time....ever, or just overdramatized and emotional TV programs and movies, or stress and pressure but every single little thing makes me cry, makes me want to break down into tears and forget the world. It threatens to destroy me. And I hate it. I never cry. I have a good cry about the world in general probably twice a year, but I am the most organised and together person I know.
I never cry, I never have overemotional moments and yet, because of something I don't yet understand, I feel emotional all the time.
I don't know what it is, whether it's the depression, or stress, or something else but I just want it to stop. This feels like it's against everything I've become. I've become an emotionless person, numb to the world. I have the odd flash of feeling, be it love, or sadness or sometimes even happiness and laughter. But for as long as I can remember in recent times, apart from sadness, loneliness and pain, I've felt nothing else.
And suddenly I feel everything. Everything I've tried so hard to put away, to stop myself from feeling because it's been easier for me to move on and forget. I have had to put away the girl who cares, who feels things and is happy, to be the girl who pretends to be happy, because I have to forget some things that happened in my past, and so this was the way I did it.
But due to that, due to something switching off inside of me, I lost everything I was, and became the girl who pretends to be happy, who amuses herself by working so hard and putting pressure on herself because she doesn't get things right. By becoming the perfectionist that barely ever laughs, I put away everything I wanted to forget. But whatever I switched off, got switched back on for some unknown reason.
Now I feel like my world is crumbling around me, and that I'm blind, lost in a sea of emotion that I haven't dealt with for over 2 years. I haven't dealt with serious emotion since July 2010, I switched off then. I've been numb for nearly 3 years.
Everything is not what I want it to be, I'm crying out for help but nobody seems to hear. I'm trapped inside myself, inside the well of emotions and I'm drowning inside myself. I can't make sense, and I feel like I know the reason I turned it off, I turned my feelings off because it was easier. I didn't want to have to deal with it anymore, I didn't want to have to deal with my life. I ran away. But I ran too far and came circling back. A Mobius strip of my own making. A life that I feel unsure about. I wish I could make it all go away, I wish I could just turn it off again, go back to being numb.
It's easier than having to deal with thoughts and feelings. They feel wrong after so long away (Ah the irony). I break down at least twice a week when I'm on my own and there is nothing I can do about it except wait until the tears stop falling and I am able to regain what little shreds I have left. I wish somebody could help me, I wish somebody could tell me what to do. I'm screaming, crying for help and yet not a sound passes my lips, because the mask, this disguise is still in place, and it won't come down. I can't make it come down anymore. I used to use it to help me, now it keeps me trapped where I can't be helped. No matter now loud I scream, not matter how much I drown, nobody will throw me a line to save me, because nobody can hear me in here..............................
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