Depression for me, was described best by a youtuber of the likes I've never seen before. He doesn't promote himself, or his channel, and you find him through his tweets and starring in the company videos he helps create, and his name is Wot Fanar.
He said in one of his videos (aptly named 'Depression For Me') that depression seemed to be like gravity. People from it often get pulled down. He said that normal people that aren't suffering depression seem to float in a normal, mid level happiness type of position. They move about, up and down depending on their mood, but can stay hovering at that level.
People with depression however, are the ones influences by gravity. They have their ups, and can defy the depression ('gravity') for a while, eventually it will bring them back down, and quite suddenly they'll end up on the ground.
Depression is different for all people, but for me, it is like that in spirit. Often I have moments where I am happy, but overall I sit at a reasonable below average sort of mood. I have my rare moments of happiness, but overall I sit at that below average mood. However, I liken depression more to a slippery slope, of gravel or sand, or maybe even a quarry, depending on how you look at it.
You have the normal people, who float, and me, who stands on the surface of the earth, at the edge of the hole or crater. As depression lures me in, I start to slide. I slide slowly down into the dark hole, unaware of anything else. I have three stages in my darkness, three levels to it. The first is sadness, and loneliness. I feel awfully sad and sometimes lonely, but I am still mainly functioning at that level.
The second is pain. Pain of memories past, things that have happened. I bet myself up about the past a lot. One of my favourite lines out of a poem I wrote was this:
"I don't cut, I don't harm myself,
But I look at my arms and see a mass of scars."
This refers to the fact that I purposely bring up memories to hurt myself. But that is a post for another day. There's too much to that particular point. Often this pain layer tends to be the thickest. To stop myself by putting on my mask, to try and claw my way out of the depression at this point hurts too much. It ends up with me sitting in the pain level for a while and then slowly inching my way out of it. Often if I get to that stage, I give up and slip into the third layer.
The third layer is the darkest of my layers. But it's also the most comfortable. It's where I feel like I belong, warm and safe. It's numbness. It's the void. I slip through the sadness and the pain, and slip through into nothingness. I feel no hurt, no pain, nothing of the sort. I only feel numb. And after the pain and hurt, numb is preferable. Numb is preferable to the emotions of the world.
And so I find myself in the void, the darkness, the numbness, more often than I think is good for me. I can't say I don't like it, because it's comfortable, but I find that when I'm there, it saps my energy, my will to do something. It takes away my motivation. I also have dark thoughts and sometimes the pain does still seep through, and sometimes the life above still comes through. But mainly when I'm in the darkness, I'm running on autopilot.
Average-mood-for-a-depressive
Samantha.
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